Life of a Stick


Humorous Scriptures

While reading the scriptures, I’ve occasionally come across verses that seem funny or odd. Sometimes in context, sometimes out of it, and sometimes just odd or poor word choices in translations. I’d like to share what I’ve collected so far. Being a Latter-day Saint, or Mormon, many of these versus will come from the Book of Mormon.

They’re sorted by the order they appear, Bible first, then Book of Mormon. Bible translation is the Revised King James version, which is standard for the LDS church. Feel free to comment and add your own if you have some.

 

The Camel brand cigarette is millennia old.

Genesis 24:64

And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

 

Moses, supposedly the meekest man on Earth, has several scriptures where he goes into a rage. Such as when the Israelites get tired of eating the miraculous manna they find outside their tents every morning, so they demand meat from God. He gave it to them, but with this stipulation.

Numbers 11

19 Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days;
20 But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the Lord which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?

 

A description of a murder. How a man died after having a nail driven through his temple. I think the record they were transcribing from started skipping.

Judges 5:27

At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down: at her feet he bowed, he fell: where he bowed, there he fell down dead.

 

The prophet Elisha does not take well to being mocked.

2 Kings 2

23 And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

 

The proper treatment of the wicked: break their arms until they stop being wicked.

Psalms 10:15

Break thou the arm of the wicked and the evil man: seek out his wickedness till thou find none.

 

Proverb’s method of educating your children is to beat them until they’re smart.

Proverbs 22:15

Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.

 

History’s first recorded food fight.

Zecharaih 5:1

Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll.

 

The dangers of falling asleep during a religious lecture.

Acts 20:9

And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.

 

The prophet Abinadi was driven out of a city for preaching. Later he comes back in disguise. A disguise doesn’t last long when you quote someone saying your name.

Mosiah 12:1

And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy among them, saying: Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people, for they have hardened their hearts against my words; they have repented not of their evil doings; therefore, I will visit them in my anger, yea, in my fierce anger will I visit them in their iniquities and abominations.

 

Amulek and Alma converted a bunch of people. The prophets were then captured, and their converts were thrown into a big bonfire. I imagine Amulek’s voice in verse 12 resembled that of Eeyore.

Alma 14:12

Now Amulek said unto Alma: Behold, perhaps they will burn us also.

 

True to politics, “a few particular points” can be translated as “all the points.”

Alma 51

2 Nevertheless, they did not long maintain an entire peace in the land, for there began to be a contention among the people concerning the chief judge Pahoran; for behold, there were a part of the people who desired that a few particular points of the law should be altered.
5 And it came to pass that those who were desirous that Pahoran should be dethroned from the judgment-seat were called king-men, for they were desirous that the law should be altered in a manner to overthrow the free government and to establish a king over the land.

 

Helaman lays siege to an enemy held city in order to steal incoming provisions.  The wording implies he takes some humor in this deception.

Alma 57:10

At length their provisions did arrive, and they were about to enter the city by night. And we, instead of being Lamanites, were Nephites; therefore, we did take them and their provisions.

 

Being on fire is good for moral.

Helaman 5:24

And when they saw that they were encircled about with a pillar of fire, and that it burned them not, their hearts did take courage.

 

Book of Mormon: The Musical.

3 Nephi 4:31

And it came to pass that they did break forth, all as one, in singing, and praising their God for the great thing which he had done for them, in preserving them from falling into the hands of their enemies.

 

The Lamanites are the ancestors of the modern day American Indians. See also: Indian reservations.

3 Nephi 6:3

And they granted unto those robbers who had entered into a covenant to keep the peace of the land, who were desirous to remain Lamanites, lands, according to their numbers, that they might have, with their labors, wherewith to subsist upon; and thus they did establish peace in all the land.


  • dinamic_sidebar 4 none

©2017 Pointy Sticks Entries (RSS) and Comments (RSS)  Raindrops Theme